


Erase

by ashyluka



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Afterlife, Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angel Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark, Eventual Happy Ending, Experimental Style, Flashbacks, Heavy Subjects, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Or Is It?, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Suicide, mild romance, personal writing challenge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-24 20:30:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6165832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashyluka/pseuds/ashyluka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if you went to sleep with the intention to never wake up again, only to find yourself somewhere entirely new, but empty of everything you hoped for? And a sarcastic, albeit caring angel creature was there to help you through what got you here in the first place, and maybe even get you out of it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Synesthesia

Blank.

That was all he saw when he awoke from the darkness of his mind.

Total, complete, absolutely void of anything except blank. Like a piece of paper without any pen scratchings on it, or maybe like a whiteboard without the dry erase markers.

It had only been about forty-eight hours since Eren Jaeger had swallowed those prescription pills. They were meant to help him sleep, but in the manic state of his mind, one pill turned into two and two turned into even more.

He wanted to go to sleep, end the pain and stop hurting so goddamn much all the time.

And the next thing he knew, this was where he ended up. He didn’t know how long he had been unconscious, but he was conscious now and he wasn’t sure what to think about this situation.

Sitting up from the spot he lain on the ground (if you could call it that), he called out suddenly, loudly, desperately.

“Mom? ...Mikasa? Dad?” His voice cracked as he let the last loved one’s title out. His eyes were welling up in tears, his breath quickening in a panic.

Nobody answered except his own lonely echo. It really did seem like he was all alone. Stuck in whatever you could call this.

Was it Heaven? Maybe it was Hell, because it sure felt like that. Nobody was around, nobody was around to hear his calls.

No more hugs from his mother. No more protective kisses to his cheeks from his sister. No more stern, but loving talking to’s from his father. No more nothing. This had to be hell. It couldn’t be anything else.

He had thought by ending it in that quick moment, he’d end up somewhere much better. And that he wouldn’t still feel like this, like a failure who couldn’t be strong enough for everybody else when they needed him to be.

Yet he still felt the same as before. And now he was paying for it.

The lumps in his throat were growing, and soon the tears spilled out. This was too much, too much.

“Please wake up, wake up, wake up. C’mon Eren, wake up.” He sobbed into his arms, curling into a ball and eventually rolling onto his side. His sobs grew into screams of frustration, hands clawing at his hair in desperation. Desperate to make himself wake up somehow, he drew his hands away and suddenly bit roughly into one of them.

Maybe if he could make himself bleed, maybe it would wake him up. Maybe.

But the bites did nothing.

He didn’t bleed, he didn’t even bruise.

Instead, he heard a voice.

“Hurting yourself any further isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

The voice was booming, but angelic. It reminded him of white noise with how calming it sounded, but it was distorted in a way too.

“Who’s there? Where am I? Help me, Jesus Christ, please help me.” Eren begged, eyes wide open as he looked up above and all around, searching for the source.

“I’m no Jesus Christ, sorry kid.”

The source of the voice appeared rather suddenly with a brief blinding flash of light, large black wings expanding from the figure to surround the young adult before the figure clearly shown itself.

It was a man, or at least something like a man. Shorter in height in comparison to Eren if he was to stand up, but overpowering with the way he stood strong to the world. His hair was as raven as his wings, cropped close to his head. His eyes appeared tired, overworked, almost haunting. It was obvious that this creature had seen quite a bit in his lifetime, way more than Eren had in his own, but he also appeared irritated with having been somehow summoned to the young adult’s distress.

“Who are you? _WHAT_ are you?” Eren gasped out, mouth gaped open as he reached out towards the outer edge of the outstretched wing closest to him.

The wing seemed to ripple, before shuddering out of his touch.

“Oi, don’t touch the wing. What, have you never read the bible, kid? I’m an angel. Well, sort of. You can call me Levi.” The man scowled, wings slowly descending and folding up behind his back.

“Levi…” The brunet uttered, lost in his thoughts for a brief moment, before he suddenly scrambled to his feet and grasped at the angel’s shoulders.

“Levi! Please. Please help me, Levi. Where am I? God, this isn’t where I wanted to go...what am I doing here? Where’s Heaven? Oh god, please tell me this isn’t hell, I swear I wasn’t that awful of a sinner...Oh God, mom and dad...Mikasa! They won’t know where to find me...I--”

He was stopped in mid-talk with a sudden smack to his face. A look of stunned surprise went across his face, but was quickly replaced with anger.

“Sorry, but you were getting hysterical. Anyway, welcome to what we call ‘Purgatory’, kid. Don’t ask how I’m here, ‘cause I have no fucking clue either. One minute I was stuck invisible on Earth for all of eternity because I fucked up, and the next I end up here because _some_ dumbass decided biting himself would help him descend or some shit. I guess God decided to give me a chance to redeem myself.” The angelic-figure explained, not even bothering to gaze directly at the brunet as he examined the edge of his wing that had been touched earlier.

“Purgatory?” Eren questioned. He had heard of the term before, but he didn’t know exactly what it was. He backed up a bit from Levi, tears still clinging to the edges of his eyes.

“Yeah kid, purgatory. You know, the place right here? Where you go if you might have a chance to go back, or if you can’t let go of living? Basically that’s it. You’re stuck here with me until you figure out what the hell you’re doing, whoop-de-fucking-do.” Levi stated, exaggerating his last words with a dramatic throw of his hands to the air.

“You mean I can’t go to Heaven, I could go back home?” Eren breathed, a glimmer of hope flashing in his eyes. There was a chance he could go back! There really, really was!

“Yeah, you could, but right now you can’t.” The other man deadpanned, turning his eyes to glance directly at Eren and into his. It was as if he was staring into his soul, scanning it, looking through every part of his fragile mind and threatening to shatter it into a million tiny pieces.

The glance was enough to make Eren uncomfortable and quickly avert his eyes to the blankness to the side.

“What do you mean I can’t? You just said if I made up my mind, I could go back.” He murmured.

Levi let out a loud sigh, outstretching his wings once more and reached out a hand towards Eren.

“Kid, we have a lot to talk about first before we can do that.”


	2. Heart-Shaped Box

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight trigger warning for the beginning of this chapter due to very vague, but still a description of sorts of what could be interpreted as childhood sexual abuse.

Eren took Levi’s hand, eyes widening as he was lifted up into the air as if he was weightless. He could only watch as Levi’s wings outstretched farther and the two flew a short distance.

It had only been blank a second ago in this Purgatory, but a balcony had materialized seemingly out of nowhere. It didn’t appear to be attached to anything at first, but then an apartment building built up in the air behind the balcony. It looked familiar, like home. But it wasn’t home.

Levi gently let go of the boy’s hand as they landed on the balcony, the angel easing himself down into a sitting position, making himself comfortable on the floor of the balcony, legs dangling over the side. 

It took a few minutes of contemplating whether he should sit next to him or not before Eren finally made himself comfortable as well next to the raven-haired and winged man.

A long silence overtook the two, a gentle breeze blowing over the two as they sat there doing nothing more than enjoying each other’s company.

“How long have you blamed yourself for what happened?” Levi softly said, breaking the silence.

Eren stiffened up in his spot, turning his gaze down below them, watching his feet as he kicked them. He didn’t speak, biting his tongue, afraid of what could be said if he was to speak about it.

Levi shifted, stretching one of his wings out to brush it against Eren’s shoulder. He wasn’t much for comforting others, he never quite knew how, but he knew enough to notice how fascinated the young man was by his wings. Maybe this would help him open up a little.

But Eren continued to avoid him, trying to calm the inner panic in his chest. It was like all the anxiety in that moment was swelling up. He had never spoken about this publicly, he had lied to medical professionals multiple times when asked that simple question, the only time he had ever spoken of it was in manic frenzies or psychotic episodes and it had never been taken seriously. 

If he was to admit it to Levi, this fallen angel, would he judge him? Would he look at him as inferior, weak, a liar?

“I’m not going to judge you for this. It wasn’t your fault. It never was, Eren. I wouldn’t be here trying to help your stubborn ass if I was here to judge you.” The other suddenly said, breaking him from his thoughts.

It seemed like he had no choice now.

With a loud sigh, Eren turned his head to face Levi, tears stinging his eyes again.

“It had to have been my fault. I thought… I thought it wasn’t anything bad. I mean, I knew it wasn’t normal. For him, to do that to me, a kid. But I love him, I don’t want to ruin his life, you know?” His voice had gone weak, labored, nervous from speaking up so publicly about something so private.

“It still wasn’t your fault. He knew better. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for this, kid. You’re stronger than this, better than this. Yeah, it sucks, I know it’s been eating you inside out for years. But you can move on and heal from it. It’s not impossible. Nothing is.” Levi said softly, moving an arm to wrap around the kid. 

He still really sucked at this comforting thing, but damn him back to an invisible life if he couldn’t try. God had sent him here to help Eren try and sort things out, maybe get a chance to go back. And he’d try his hardest to get him there, alive again. And if he was lucky, maybe he’d get a second chance too.

Eren stayed quiet, breathing heavily, closing his eyes as he leaned into the angel’s touch. 

It made Levi uncomfortable, but he still allowed it. Mouth going dry, he swallowed and licked his lips. It was hard to think of what he could say to him next, but words slipped out nonetheless.

“I went against God’s wishes. I fucked up and I can’t go back to Heaven.”

Eren sat up at these words, giving a questioning glance towards the angel.

Levi shifted again, uncomfortable himself where this was heading, but continued to speak, “I fell in love with another angel. See, in Heaven, you are reunited with your loved ones who made it there. You are allowed to be with them, to be with your soulmate again if they were there already too. If they haven’t shown up yet, you will be able to meet them at a later time and--”

“And?” Eren interrupted, earning a scowl from Levi.

“And it just so happens that when you’re a higher ranking angel, like I was, you’re given jobs. Jobs that you must pay attention to. You can’t have any distractions, including love. I fucked up and found my soulmate. And he was someone even higher ranked than I was.”

“So what happened?”

“He and I tried to make it happen. We tried to have a relationship behind God’s back, but he caught us. He caught us and punished us. Erwin was allowed to stay, to make up for his sin. I was banished because I was the one who persuaded him to neglect his job, and because I was lower ranked, I was put on Earth and made invisible. I tried to argue and be allowed to stay, I even promised I wouldn’t interfere with Erwin anymore. But It wasn’t convincing enough and I was banished anyway.” Levi finished his back-story, his eyes having gone dark with obvious exhaustion from having to tell something personal of his own.

He wasn’t sure why he told this to Eren, maybe it was for his own comfort as well. To let it out to someone else who would listen and not judge him, Eren seemed safe enough to tell.

Eren sucked in a breath, leaning back on his hands. “Wow.”

But Eren suddenly sat back up quickly, gazing at the angel. “So what now? Why are you here with me then?”

Levi furrowed his eyebrows in thought. That was a good question. He didn’t really know why he shown up here with this kid, he just assumed God decided to give him a second chance as well. But it was never his job to aide the suicidal, the attempted suicides, he mainly had helped the elderly and the very young adjust to their lives in Heaven. 

The suicides were one of the hardest jobs that angels had to help with, many of those who did what they did to end the pain did not get a chance to go back. They didn’t want to go back, that was why they ended up in either Heaven or Hell. They couldn’t choose where they went either, as that entirely depended on their lives when they were alive. 

And yet, Eren was one of the rare examples that hadn’t had a spot chosen for him. Instead, he went to Purgatory immediately, which was usually reserved for those who had never accepted they were going to die in the first place. And this kid seemed hell bent on death until he got here.

But there was something else about Eren too, something Levi couldn’t quite put his finger on. He was familiar, though he was sure they had never met before. And he gave off the aura that he had a very special purpose, one that he had never even been aware of. But even Levi couldn’t quite figure out what that purpose was himself.

Realizing that Eren was staring at him intently, waiting for an answer, Levi swallowed and spoke. “I’m here to help you realize your purpose in life, brat, and help you move on from what’s held you back for so long. We still have a lot more to talk about, and we’ve got plenty of time to sort through it all. I might be able to redeem myself if I can figure your purpose out alongside you. So, keep talking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write at first, but I'm finding it more therapeutic as I go on.  
> More of Eren's story will be explained in later chapters.  
> Written to a variety of songs this time, including 'Heart-shaped box' by Nirvana, 'How' by Lisa Loeb, and 'Islands' by Sara Bareilles.


	3. Older I Get

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case none of you knew already, this whole fic is like a retelling on my life events. It's highly personal and is how my psychiatrist recommended I get things out. So yeeee. If it's not your cup of tea, I apologize. But this is again, a project with projecting my emotions in a healthy way.  
> Enjoy.

Eren felt unsure about this still, about talking about every little thing that had gone wrong in his life to bring him here. What if by talking about them all, it would bring him back down?

The last thing he really wanted was to fall down again.

Though, it was probably impossible to fall any farther than where he was already.

Leaning back, he continued to carefully watch the Angel. His mouth felt dry, he felt himself shaking again, before he finally managed to weakly force out some words. “I think I killed her. I ruined his life by coming into it, and I killed her. That’s why he didn’t want me.”

“... Brat, what the hell are you going on about, killing someone? If you had killed someone, you certainly wouldn’t have ended up here.” Levi stated, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder, “Why do you continue to insist on blaming yourself for that?”

Eren swallowed, feeling the tears beginning to come again. He tried so hard to remain strong, to not show any of the pain that he constantly felt. To not be weak, to not burden others.

But Levi was pushing him, making him speak when he didn’t want to, and he had no choice but to quietly answer his question.

“Because if I hadn’t pushed myself on him so much, maybe I wouldn’t have came off as so insensitive to him and all of his friends. Maybe I could have avoided asking him out and being rejected, if I had known what happened to begin with. But...no one told me.” Eren’s voice began to rise, as the brunet sharply turned his back from the Angel. He didn’t want to be seen, to be looked at as he relived that moment in time.

Levi looked hesitant, torn between wanting to get closer or staying at a distance. He picked up on Eren’s growing distress from having to relive what hurt him, and it hurt him to watch.

Slowly but quickly, Levi spoke up. “Eren… It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to hurt him, you know that. Not intentionally, you--”

“No one told me for a fucking _year_ , Levi. A fucking year! By the time I learned that, it didn’t fucking matter anymore, I still hurt him!” Eren interrupted, his hands balled into tight fists as he brought them up to the sides of his face, as if to shield himself from an unknown monster. This was too much to hear, too much to think about, too much. He had to hide away, he had to not hear what he secretly knew was right in his heart from Levi, but it still hurt.

It hurt so much that sometimes he didn’t know how to emotionally handle it other than to hide away and pretend nothing had ever happened between him and this person he spoke of, pretend that nothing affected him though it in fact did. It affected him so much that he still blamed himself for things that he never did, things that his state of mind made him believe. Things that made him blame himself and beat himself up for.

Levi could only sit there at first, it seemed like at this point he needed to let Eren cry it out. He wasn’t sure if that was the right decision or not on his end, but if Eren was to heal at all, even the Angel knew that the boy had to speak and react.

“Eren.”

“What, Levi, what?! What more do you want me to say? T-That I should have to accept what you’re telling me is true? That I need to get over it? I tried getting over it, no , I _DO_ try...every day. But I feel like it’s not enough for anyone, ever. It’s never enough. I want to stop blaming myself, but I can’t. It feels like I hurt everybody by hurting him.” Eren lashed out, a fist sliding down from his face to hit the concrete of the balcony.

Levi didn’t flinch at the sudden violent action, turning his eyes downward to watch the impact of Eren’s fist to the concrete. It was going to hurt, but whatever he was hoping to accomplish by doing that wasn’t going to help him in the long run. He knew he was probably trying to make a point, but at this point, he needed to get it into the other’s head that he was never at fault and that he wasn’t doing the things he thought he was.

Outstretching his left wing, he brushed it over slightly over Eren’s fist.

“You don’t need to say anything more. You’ve already said more than enough, brat. But this self-hatred thing? This hurting everyone thing? It has to stop eventually. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are more than what happened with him, hell, that there’s more to you and your life than just _him_. Go at your own pace, but listen to me, please,

Look, we _all_ fuck up sometimes. Sometimes we do hurt people, but you never intended to hurt anyone. Not even him. It’s pretty obvious you have a heart of fucking gold or something. I don’t want to be harsh or anything, but you can’t keep this up. It’s going to keep you here and with the way you were calling out for mommy and daddy, I know you don’t want to be here. And you were not responsible for what happened with her, you know you never were. You’re hurting yourself because you feel like you deserve it and you don’t.” He said, turning his gaze up to the forming skyline above them.

It was happening so gradually the more they spoke. Purgatory was turning into scenery. It was turning into the things they wanted to see. Levi had not seen the sky like this so clearly in a long time. The blue and the clouds and the birds flying above him were so foreign to look at, how long had it been since he was cast out?

He had been so caught up in his thoughts looking at the sky, that he had failed to notice Eren’s sniffles had grown softer and that the fist he was touching had uncurled. It seemed that the boy was thinking about what he had to say, actually thinking. And with his eyes turned on him now, he finally realized what felt so familiar about him.

They were one in the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this whole chapter to a Skillet song. Thanks Bailey for making me listen to this band in 8th grade, cause now they have so many songs that mean a lot to me. And haunt my writing like goddamn.  
> Also side note, what he's talking about can be interpreted as whoever you choose to think it could be about. It could be Armin, Jean, any male character other than Levi...and the girl he's talking about in this chapter can be whoever you choose except his mother and Mikasa. As this is based on things that happened in my life, I'm vagueing it. I'm sorry for any confusion. Things will be pieced together more as the story goes along.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyye. New fic!!  
> I went on a hiatus with writing that lasted quite a few months now. I had my own personal life crisis, and this fanfic is my outlet on the discussion to keep it short. Anyway, I hope to update this often. My other fic, Give You What You Like, will also be updated hopefully within the next month.  
> This is a personal writing project to me, so I hope you enjoy this first chapter and please let me know what you think of it so far!  
> I wrote this chapter to the song Synethesia Ghost by Nekobolo, look it up!


End file.
